Slow Saturday

Emergency Medicine end of posting test. Went quite OK, except the tester for the oral test wasn't a very nice guy, sorta killed me and all my classmates who were tested by him.

==

Warning (especially to pkchukiss and Ryan): FOOD PORN AHEAD.

Pepper Lunch is excellent, but expensive stuff. Try out their steaks! They serve it raw on a hot plate, and you sorta fry it on the hot plate to your own liking. And the honey brown sauce (sweetened and spice soy sauce) they have is tasty. From Ngee Ann City branch:




And, steamboat at home:






I'm becoming a meatarian!

Doughs and Donuts!

School. Same shit different day. I'm not gonna repeat or you'd probably fall asleep mid-entry or something.

Fast forward. On the bus on the way back. And after the continuous lack of sleep the past few weeks, I fell asleep and woke up 3 bus stops after home.

Screw it, since I'm in Ang Mo Kio, I'm off to Ang Mo Kio Hub.

Most of the shops have opened, and the place is crazily packed with people, going off in random directions bumping into me while they graze around blindly.

It seems like, shopping malls these days have way smaller shops, as though they want to cram as many shops as possible in a tiny space. That of course means that shopping quickly become really tiring, having to squeeze yourself between shelves, hoping you don't knock something off the shelf.



Went into a store that sells video games, and they've got this Death Note game in Japanese. A story-game that's like Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney.



And who can resist the donuts in AMK Hub?



Website



Most of the flavours aren't exactly great, but the strawberry shortcake (sweet sweet strawberry chocolate topping and tangy strawberry jam) and cream (just cream) donuts are fantastic.

Pretty Vacant

KC has a shit life. At least for the past 2 and a half weeks. Tutorials that start early in the morning, and clinical attachment to the emergency department where he manages to foul up the simplest of things, and tutorials again. On paper, days either end at 4pm or 10pm, but we all know that 4pm is a lie, and that you'll never know when a 4pm day will end up a 9pm one.

And so, Tuesday was one of these 4pm-turned-9pm days, when stress, added with inability to get regular meals, added to some mild intercurrent upper respiratory tract infection setting in, KC went home exhausted, jaded and neuroglycopaenic.

Ambled home in a half-conscious state, everything's just a hazy blur. Almost missing the bus-stop, losing track of time, feeling nauseated from the bumpy bus ride and generally, feeling down as though my mental gears were all gunked up.

Lots of food later, I felt way better.

Slept.

Woke up. Decided, oh screw it, I'm not going to sabotage my whole week by going for yet another 8am-10pm day. I can't cope anyway.

Finally found the time to actually tidy up my stuff a little, put on the bedsheets properly (it's been more than a week since I hurriedly stuffed the corners of the bedsheets into the bed), catch up on my emails and blogs and stuff.

It's one thing when to barely have time for leisure activities. It's another thing to be forced to neglect one's health, living conditions, hygiene and sanity just for school.

Finally found time to properly read through Jan's belated birthday card, which was sad because she probably hurried through it, only to send it to someone who didn't even have the energy to read it properly until now!

Thanks Jan!


Unfortunately, my behind is not in any way little, and is fat and flabby!



Names censored! Well, in a way I feel I'm a horrible friend, hardly writing cards or telling my friends that they're appreciated!

Getting unexpected belated cards somehow feels even more sincere, weirdly.

Trivia: Whenever I receive cards and stuff, I HAVE to hide them away, because my mom's always going to peer through them and make snide remarks and stuff. "See? Even your friends think you're (something something something). Are you hiding something from me?" No wonder I have such a fucked up self-esteem.

Played Mario Kart online with an online friend. Suffice to say, I really suck at it! I'm spreading myself out too thin between many different games - and lately I've been to exhausted by school to play anything more than a couple of stages from Elite Beat Agents or the Japanese counterpart Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan.



==

Mom bitching about how I didn't go to school. Gee. I'm a logical 22 year old. I can think for myself! Not as if I'd survive consecutive 14 hour days, no?

Plastered myself in front of the computer. Strangely, it's taking me very long to recover the physical and mental energy that I've lost along the way. Sorta feeling down for no reason quite a lot these days. Life energy. Sapped.

Should have watched the DVD of Donnie Darko that K lent me. But just can't muster up any semblance of concentration to do it. Was planning to do up my case write-up too, but I just can't be arsed. Deadline too far away, and if I can't concentrate on a movie, what are the chances I'd do a decent job of homework?

Oh no! Ryan's having quite a bit of trouble keeping the privacy of his blog. Heard that his family had been using his friends' blogs (that includes mine) as a proxy to spy on his actions.

No worries here, I blog carefully and responsibly, treading carefully on the fine line between truthful and complete reporting, and not getting myself or my friends into trouble.

==
And later in the day, went to Ang Mo Kio to buy the printer, since the old one died. It's a Canon iP4200, one of those high-tech multi-fangled behemoths that has 2 separate paper trays and can print on both sides of the paper automatically.

It's a behemoth, and it's amazing how it barely managed to perch at the edge of the table, with everything being already crammed as they are.




Glowing ink cartridges! 5 separate cartridges, and it's going to be real troublesome when they run out one by one. But hey, at least they're big ones and seldom need replacement.


Old David vs the new Goliath!

Monday

Morning rush to school in the stupid rain.

Too exhausted after the lectures. Didn't sleep well the last night. Gave up and went off to meet Ryan instead.





Yay. Feeling way better today! Too tired to fill in the details. But I guess that's enough reading material here for now.

Gloomy Sunday

David E Sugar - Just Like Heaven - Heavenly cover of The Cure's hit. Recommended by m3 online.

Good KC: Yay, I've slept for 12 whole freaking hours, I must be feeling refreshed now!

Evil KC: If that is so, then why are you feeling so crappy and mentally exhausted still.

Good KC: Oh gosh. You're right. I feel down. Even after so long, I'm still down.

Evil KC: You're weak. Weaker than everyone. Useless. Why can't you be like everyone else and be OK? Your friends are having the same shitty schedule. They're coping. You aren't. You're going to be a totally worthless slob at this rate.

Good KC: You know, you make a valid argument. So you mean, I'm down not because I'm exhausted, but I'm down because I'm a worthless slob? After all, I'm supposed to be well-rested after 12 hours of sleep.

Evil KC: Exactly. You're worthless. Your life's going to be crappy. You still hope to enjoy? Forget it. Life's going to be harder in future. You can't cope. So why bother trying.

Good KC: Yeah, why should I bother trying? There's no hope.

Evil KC: My sentiments exactly.

Good KC: Oh.

Evil KC: Time to put the plan in action then.

Good KC: What plan?

Evil KC: Well, didn't we agree on ending it all since trying is futile? You've got the materials you're just short of one thing. It's the perfect method you know.

Good KC: No. I'm not going to kill myself.

Evil KC: Oh yes, we're going to kill ourselves. I have 3 years of medical education under my belt and it's not gonna fail.

Good KC: I'm not entertaining it. I'm destroying the materials. I'm sabotaging the plans so you can't kill us, Evil KC.

Evil KC: Fine. Do it.

(Good KC destroys the needles.)



Evil KC: I didn't stop you. You and I both know that those needles won't work. The (whatever chemical is going to be used - meddies will know it as the one that must NEVER be given as an IV bolus dose) gotta go through something with a larger bore. And you need a venous cannula. Not a needle. You're going to need to inject a few times, and it's going to be painful. Do you really think you have the courage to follow through and inject and inject again despite the pain? Bet not.

Good KC: Oh.

Evil KC: You need a large bore IV cannula.

Good KC: Oh.

Evil KC: And don't forget to get the (whatever chemical to be used) from the supermarket.

Good KC: I refuse.

Evil KC: Fine. I'll think up some other methods.

Good KC: Ha! You'll fail. You're too perfectionistic to resort to some last-minute idea that probably won't work.

Evil KC: Try me.

Good KC: Well, whatever. With you going all murderous, I'm going to try to shut you out by getting some fresh air outside. Safer being alone outside than alone at home.

(KC goes out to Bishan entral, does some errands then ambles around Orchard without much purpose.)

Evil KC: You're going to be alone either way. Haha you really are pathetic, dude. Even your soulmate doesn't want to go hang out with you when you need him the most!

Good KC: Oh.

Evil KC: And you turned him down yesterday for feeling down and tired. You pathetic freak. You brought it all upon yourself.

Good KC: Oh my gosh. I'm all alone.

Evil KC: Don't you just hate him.

Good KC: Oh my gosh. I want to hate him. It makes it easier to deal with the mess of emotions.

Evil KC: That's the spirit dude. Hate everyone. Hate everything. You're in this pathetic mess and you got a right to hate.

Good KC: Oh.



(Good KC shuts out the thoughts with hate. Went to Orchard library. Saw High-Performance Cycling, a really cool and detailed book about the science of being an effective cyclist. Sorta reads like a medical textbook, with even a whole section about the common musculoskeletal injuries in cyclists and stuff. Went to HMV and splured on some CDs I've been meaning to buy.)



Evil KC: Finding pleasure in music. Yay. How superficial. Distract yourself from the hopelessness of the situation, and you'll fall doubly hard when the distractions run out. Give up. It's futile.

Good KC: No. I need my soulmate.

Evil KC: He isn't around when you need him the most.

Good KC: Oh.

Evil KC: There, he's messaging you and stuff.

Good KC: He's feeling very down too you know. I dunno. I'm emotionally exhausted.

Evil KC: Go on. Ignore him then. You're angry at him, no?

Good KC: Oh well, you decide. I'm exhausted.

Evil KC: Great.

Good KC: But it's not right to ignore. If anything happens and I'm ignoring him, I'm going to totally regret it. It's not right. It's not right. I'm going to just reply something to show I'm alive and listening.

Evil KC: Wimp. You're too weak to even stay consistently angry with someone.

Good KC: Oh my gosh I'm a wimp. I dunno. I'm cracking up. I don't want to be angry, I'm just so damn disappointed that I'm all alone when I need to be with someone the most.

Evil KC: Oh did I mention, you just ruined you whole weekend. It's going to be school again next week, and you won't have the time or energy to meet any of your friends the whole week. Yay. A great time for your soulmate to just say no to you. You're so totally hopeless you'll always be alone.

Good KC: Oh shut up. I'm totally confused.

Evil KC: You're weak.

Good KC: I'm weak. Oh, flurry of messages on the phone, and it was painful, but things got sorted out. I was so wrong to be using anger to distract myself. Evil KC, your suggestions are hurting others.

Evil KC: I don't care.

Good KC: Shut up. I'm further sabotaging the evil plans you have, I'm telling my friend to stop me if I attempt to accquire the equipment needed to kill myself.

Evil KC: I gotta admit, you're pretty cunning.

Good KC: You may be messing with my mind, but you're not going to kill me. At least for now.

How to Disappear Completely (Radiohead)

That there, that's not me
I go where I please
I walk through walls
I float down the Liffey

I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here, I'm not here

In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah, it's gone

I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here, I'm not here

Strobe lights and blown speakers
Fireworks and hurricanes

I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here, I'm not here....

Saturday. Jerked outta a bad dream. A dream of mayhem and chaos in the emergency department, with its glaring artificial lights and harsh blips of the cardiac monitors. People in various stages of dying.

And pulled into an equally sad reality. 6am. Rushing for the 8am lecture. On a Saturday. And I can't skip it cause my parents will bitch and moan. (They stole a peek at my timetable already.) They don't understand how, sometimes, it's better not to go for some lessons if I'm not going to benefit from them at all.

It's quite hard to benefit from lessons if I'm too sleepy and tired and feeling too messed-up.

Pushed myself on the way to the 8am lecture. It's a marginally better choice than to face the bitching and moaning senile old codgers who will be at home the whole day (it's a Saturday, remember?)

Got onto the bus and seeing lotsa recreational cyclists plying the roads. I miss the bike. My current schedule doesn't allow me much energy for sports and recreation, let alone the time to do it.

To add insult to the injury, there was a feature on Tampines Mountain Biking Trail on TVmobile. With a short interview with a togoparts.com member.



I miss my bike.

I hate this life. There's no denying it. Work will be as hectic, school will get worse in future, and there's no more time left that I can call my own.

My freedom is officially dead. Why do I even bother.

Reached school just in time for the lecture, after having a car almost ram into me (too sleepy to really watch out for traffic). My parents would be so glad if I died or something because they forced me to go to school in my state of exhaustion.

Stayed for an hour into the lecture (9am, the day's supposed to end at 5pm), before I totally gave up and plonked myself in front of the library computers.

Spent my rest of the morning there, too exhausted to go back to the lecture. Chatted happily for a while online with Ryan, the only bright moment in the day.

Decided, oh screw it, and went home.

Moped in self pity at home. There's this outing with STOMPers and all, a movie outing and all, but I couldn't commit to it (school) so didn't confirm the tickets. They're hoping I'd go for the dinner after that. But gee, seriously, they'd do a double-take if they see me in my pathetic state, haggard, exhausted, sad.

Ryan told me on the phone they sorta miss me. Oh well. Hope they understand. Being missed is a weird unfamiliar feeling to me. On one hand, there are people who remember me. On the other hand. I feel guilty for not being there. On yet another hand, it's much much easier if I can just disappear c0mpletely, out of the minds of everyone, out of reality, so that I don't have to be accountable to anyone or anything.

School

isn't going all that great. Long hours are my pet peeve, and those 12-hour and 14-hour days aren't doing me any good.

Sure, there's alot of teaching going on. But it's irks me that I do not have the kind of indomitable enthusiasm that my classmates have.

Oh well, at least there are happy moments in the Emergency Department. Thursday, and 2 female patients walked out of the critical care area (usually for patients who need urgent resus and such) smiling and happy, because their irregularly-beating hearts suddenly decided to become alright again.



And 4pm days (on paper) that end at 8pm. Got pretty frustrated at the fact that due to the schedule, I no longer get to have any decent amount of time that I can call my own.

And when you know, when you're working so closely with the same people conflicts are bound to happen. There are classmates who act like they're some bigshots, there are classmates who pounce on every hands-on opportunity, hardly giving anyone else a chance to learn, and there are classmates who crash other shift slots, displacing people outta tutorials and stuff.

Oh well. I feel lost and invisible there. I'm suspecting my classmates have sorta given up trying to talk to me, knowing that my approach to academic issues is rather unorthodox. It's like, when I try to chip in an idea, I get interrupted all the time like my ideas don't matter at all.

I might as well stay silent.



When I'm stuck in the lecture room for hours, too tired to absorb any morsels of factiods, too frustrated to stay calm, sometimes the most comforting thing is to tear stuff up. Used N95 masks in this case.

Actually I got nothing much to blog about except for my poor self pity. That's all that had been happening in my stupid boring life the past 2 weeks.

What's there to be happy about or to live for?

Thorny Tuesday and Wet Wednesday

Back to the fire station. Day ambulance run. One of the ambulances had a clutch problem, so had to follow the other one after some difficulty!





Tan Tock Seng



Signboard in Bishan MRT station.

==

Wednesday's clinical attachments again. Same shit, different day. Not really shit. I mean, I do get to learn and all.

But it just feels like hell when everyone else seems to be able to remember their facts so well, and while I'm convinced that I'm a superior thinker, medical school isn't ever about how well one understands things, but how well one can remember random facts.

The toxic dose of lignocaine in the systemic circulation is 3mg/kg body weight.

A backslab is made with 7 layers of plaster.

NSAIDs aren't effective in the early stage of acute pain.

Pain during deep inspiration suggests pneumothorax.

The risk of death from major full-thickness burns in percent = (body surface area burnt) + age.

This kinda random facts. Sigh.

Alamak.

I can't set an IV drip.

I can't read ECGs.

I can't cut stitches without juddering like a madman

I can't prepare a plaster backslab.

I can't read blood gases.

I can't take a medical history from dialect-speakers.

==

Oh no.

==

Oh and the Nintendo DS can run MSN with the help of this hombrew called BeUp and a flash cartridge. Want details, feel free to ask me, cause it's a mouthful to explain!

Sunday, in food

Cousin's wedding. At Oriental Hotel.




Decorations and furnishings are top notch.


Cold platter! The unagi, baby octopuses (or baby octopii?) and jellyfish were excellent.


Shark's fin soup. Herbal and not overpowering, with chewy abalone bits.


Duck. And dates. The dates are tasty, duck not so.


Overcooked abalone.


Garoupa fish. Quite OK, but that's after drowning it in a couple of generous spoonfuls (i.e. both my brother's and my little-dishlets) of soy sauce.


Ugh.


Only liked the scallop.


Dessert. When you have rich white chocolate, creamy chocolate mousse, sweet mango and tangy strawberry, what more can you ask for? Delicious. I nearly wet my pants eating it. Lovely.


Their in-house chocolatess. Full of hazelnut cream inside. Tasty.

Saturday

Woke up at 6am.

Fell asleep on the bed again in 5 minutes.

Woke up at 6.20am.

Went downstairs to have breakfast.

Found myself staring into space for 10 minutes, too groggy and tired to even think. In fact, I never was able to recall what was it that I ate then.

There's no way anyone can get to school safely that way. For an 8-5 clinical attachment.

Gave up, went back up, slept till 10.30am.

Reason? Engine can't start. I hate myself for being weak.

==

Rested until afternoon to meet Ryan and Kelvin and bunch of friends at Raffles City.



MRT advertisement. O RLY? They forgot to mention one thing. Dr William Tan never earned his medical degree in NUS. Or his postgrad degrees for that matter. I can imagine why - NUS medicine has never taken in anyone with less than perfect health in recent history. I don't exactly blame them for wanting to make things efficient and simple for themselves.

But hey, the disabled do have to get an education somewhere too. And that not-in-my-backyard attitude that NUS hypothetically taken wouldn't be very polite, no? Someone has to do the job of educating the disabled. Fact of life.

I would imagine Dr William Tan being MUCH more proud of NUS if it let him study medicine there.

==



Lovely time. Fun. But like any other Saturday - or any day for that matter - the day has to end.

I don't like it when days end.

Friday Night

I'm unbelievably bushed. Emergency medicine posting's not as bad as that horrible door-to-door surveying project. But I know that this time round throwing in the towel is not an option. So there. Sometimes the easiest way to soldier on is to understand that one has no alternatives.

It doesn't help that I'm as physically exhausted as I am mentally exhausted. My whole body's aching, on my feet, getting around, rushing one thing or another continuously. Aching, as in, muscle aches all over. I kid you not.

Afterall, thursday afternoon was spent rushing from place to place, getting things done in town.

Evening, and overnight attachment to the ambulance team in Bishan Fire Station. Was pretty uncertain what would happen. Since it's a one-student-per-station-per-shift thing, I was all alone in the place with strangers.



Really glad that the ambulance team were really friendly and all. Didn't learn much, but boy did I experience alot. The 4 trips the team made the night were not urgent cases, but it was an eye-opener to see how people react to their illnesses and stuff. The patients and families are strangely calm given the situation they're in.

Total count: 1 breathless old lady, 1 man who had been vomitting blood and became weak and pale, 1 man who had a very bad tummyache and 1 lady with a recurrent pain in her womb.

Managed to catch a few - but not many - winks there.



Day broke, and my shift ended.

Reached home, feeling horribly dazed. Is it today already? It feels like yesterday.

Slept for a while.

1pm and out I rush for school again. Yikes, gonna be late. Good thing the bus driver drove like a madman. I swear he was driving the bus at 70+kmh at the straight stretches. He was being even more aggressive on the roads than the ambulance driver yesterday.

Rushed off the bus, dashed across the road without waiting for the traffic lights, dodged a couple of cars and found my way to the lecture room with 5 minutes to spare. Phew.

Back home after the lecture. Dazed.

Plonked myself in front of the computer. Dazed.

Dinner. Dazed.

Blogging now. Dazed.

Is it Friday 8pm already? Am making an effort to just accept that there's nothing I can do with my horrible schedule, so I shouldn't even think of wallowing in self pity.

Tired Thursday Morning

Woke up all achey. Tired-achey and not sick-achey. And the funny thing is, I hardly got any exercise lately, just lots of scrambling around in school in this posting.

==

Didn't blog last night, for: whatver free time left after my busy emergency medicine schedule was spent with my trusty Nintendo DS! Because Ive finally received the R4 flash cartridge!



Manufacturer's website
Yahoo Auctions

A little hard to get it working - follow the instructions in the CD down to the last T. Even Richie concedes it isn't all that easy. But once it does, it's lovely.



Haven't managed to play even half of the games I had transferred to it. But so far, everything works except for buggy hombrew (i.e. amateur-programmed) applets such as NDSmail. DSOrganize's way cool as it's a homebrew that not only acts like an organiser, but you can get onto IRC on it. It requires you to be well familiar with the IRC command lines though. But I can't imagine tapping out any words at decent speeds on the touchscreen input.



There's the bundled Moonshell program that lets you play music and read text files using the DS. But I already got an MP3 player for that!

Games: Osu! Tatake! Ouendan! - It's a Japanese predecessor of Elite Beat Agents. It's tougher, the cutscenes are more retarded, and the songs are all in Japanese so it's harder to play. It focuses more on reflexes and speed rather than 'locking' into the rhythm as compared to EBA.

Mario Kart DS - Fun classic racing game, complete with power-ups and weapons. Tried going online with it to play with people all around the world. Quite cool!

Tetris DS - Ho hum.

Brain Age - I suck at it.



Nintendogs - It's way too embarassing to call out the dog's name out loud. Not gonna play it.

Pokemon Ranger - fun!



Need for Speed Carbon - sorta boring for a racing game. Great graphics for the DS though.

Jump Ultimaate Stars - a fighting game with cameos from a zillion animes, including Naruto. It's in jap, so getting through the tutorial is a REAL chore. FAQ and Walkthrough needed for non-Japanese readers.

Lego Star Wars II - the PC version's way easier to navigate. Too many frustrating puzzles in this.
Good stuff.

==





School was mainly a refresher course on doing CPR and handling choking and other emergencies.

Oh and the patient my group and my professor and the nurses tried to resusicate died shortly after my group ended the shift. Lungs too damaged from the fall. Ouch.

Today's a free day up to 9pm when my ambulance run starts! Will blog about it!