How to Disappear Completely (Radiohead)

That there, that's not me
I go where I please
I walk through walls
I float down the Liffey

I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here, I'm not here

In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah, it's gone

I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here, I'm not here

Strobe lights and blown speakers
Fireworks and hurricanes

I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here, I'm not here....

Saturday. Jerked outta a bad dream. A dream of mayhem and chaos in the emergency department, with its glaring artificial lights and harsh blips of the cardiac monitors. People in various stages of dying.

And pulled into an equally sad reality. 6am. Rushing for the 8am lecture. On a Saturday. And I can't skip it cause my parents will bitch and moan. (They stole a peek at my timetable already.) They don't understand how, sometimes, it's better not to go for some lessons if I'm not going to benefit from them at all.

It's quite hard to benefit from lessons if I'm too sleepy and tired and feeling too messed-up.

Pushed myself on the way to the 8am lecture. It's a marginally better choice than to face the bitching and moaning senile old codgers who will be at home the whole day (it's a Saturday, remember?)

Got onto the bus and seeing lotsa recreational cyclists plying the roads. I miss the bike. My current schedule doesn't allow me much energy for sports and recreation, let alone the time to do it.

To add insult to the injury, there was a feature on Tampines Mountain Biking Trail on TVmobile. With a short interview with a togoparts.com member.



I miss my bike.

I hate this life. There's no denying it. Work will be as hectic, school will get worse in future, and there's no more time left that I can call my own.

My freedom is officially dead. Why do I even bother.

Reached school just in time for the lecture, after having a car almost ram into me (too sleepy to really watch out for traffic). My parents would be so glad if I died or something because they forced me to go to school in my state of exhaustion.

Stayed for an hour into the lecture (9am, the day's supposed to end at 5pm), before I totally gave up and plonked myself in front of the library computers.

Spent my rest of the morning there, too exhausted to go back to the lecture. Chatted happily for a while online with Ryan, the only bright moment in the day.

Decided, oh screw it, and went home.

Moped in self pity at home. There's this outing with STOMPers and all, a movie outing and all, but I couldn't commit to it (school) so didn't confirm the tickets. They're hoping I'd go for the dinner after that. But gee, seriously, they'd do a double-take if they see me in my pathetic state, haggard, exhausted, sad.

Ryan told me on the phone they sorta miss me. Oh well. Hope they understand. Being missed is a weird unfamiliar feeling to me. On one hand, there are people who remember me. On the other hand. I feel guilty for not being there. On yet another hand, it's much much easier if I can just disappear c0mpletely, out of the minds of everyone, out of reality, so that I don't have to be accountable to anyone or anything.