Moonshine

There's not enough alcohol to keep me sedated and nice like a good boy in the fridge so I'm half-fucked drunk so that I'm all crazy and all but I can't freaking sleep which is the main purpose I want to get myself all drunk.

I'm not able to sleep knowing that everything is just so fucked up, that it's all my fault and I'm fucked up and crazy and I don't even know to believe what others say or what I believe or what I feel or what I think or when the alcohol speaks to me. Is it my fault or am I just lousy in which case it's also my fault or is it just the world sucks and I'm the one who always loses out in the end? But people don't just lose out. They gotta fail to lose our and in that case it's my fault. No matter how I look at it it's my fault.

I deserve to be macerated, left to rot, ripped apart in the cold.

I fucking hate life and for the first time in a long while I truly wish I were truly dead. True, the idea of death sends my heart racing on some nights lying in bed mulling about things, or in the shower staring at the burnished metal pipes.

Fuck life.

There's too much pain in my head, too protracted a civil war in my mind. SOMEONE FUCKING KILL ME BEFORE I LOSE MY MIND AND GO FOR THE KILL.