Tradition schmadition.

In Chinese culture, there's this thing about visiting the shrines and ashes of fallen relatives, every time their death anniversary approaches, or during the fourth lunar month when it's culture to visit the tombs and clear the dirt, wipe the marble and clean out all the weeds.

My parent make a big deal out of it. In particular, my dad. He has this belief that the spirits are there to appreciate the gesture of the visits and food offerings. However, me being a person of science and logic, thinks that the dead are simply dead, and nothing at all we do will matter to the dead. We'll never raise the dead no matter what.

I don't want to join my family in paying my respects to the dead relatives, simply because I don't see how it can do any good, I would end up making a mockery of it should I pretend to be even one bit concerned about a marble plaque with some ashes behind. Most of all, why should i just bow down to what the others believe if I don't feel a thing for it?

My family tries to convince me that it is a gesture of being respectful to the fallen relatives. But who am I showing this gesture to? The dead relatives? No. The living family rather, who judge each others' respectfullness by how well they appear to worship marble and ashes. Count me out. I'm not going to go around lighting incense sticks, getting the smoke in my eyes and lungs, just so my relatives will like me. Not to mention feeling horrible for the rest of the day from smoke inhalation and having all that smoke odour stick to the clothing.

It was last year when I decided - since I was 21 already I had every right to my own freedom of belief. To choose not to go. Easier said than done though. In Chinese culture, conformity is king, and anyone who dares defy family tradition gets ridiculed and slammed. It's a dilemma. Suck it up, just continue pretending to care, keep the relatives happy? Or stand by my own choices, and do what i know is right for me, despite the consequences?

I have discussed it with my mom, and well, she says that she'd be disappointed that I won't be showing my respect to the elders. But ultimately she's not going to take action or try to talk me out of it. Tricks to approaching thorny issues with parents -

1. Establish rapport. Talk about the day, sit close to them, make sure both parties are relaxed, make them open up.

2. Be clear and direct, but don't be rude.

3. Ask about how they feel about your points every now and then. Keep things in control.

Dad however, there's no convincing. I'll have to endure hellfire and brimstone should I outrightly say, no, I'm not going to pay my respects to the dead relatives anymore. It's sort me a wimpy thing to do, but right now I'm just faking out excuses to not go, saying that I have something on and all, then weaving a solid story to support that fib.

This sucks. Sooner or later I have to tell the truth, sooner or later the shit will hit the fan, and I don't dare to think about it!