2006 - a review

That which does not kill me, makes me stronger. - Nietzsche.

This is not reflection, this is not some post titled 'regrets of 2006' or whatever. This is just a review, a recollection, a commentary. There is nothing to regret, nothing to change, nothing to mull over, because whatever happened, happened.

2006 was shit. Yeah. I'm not going to shy away from the fact that 2006 was one of the shittier years I've lived. It wasn't easy. Large chunks of it was just nasty. But as Nietzsche says, thatwhich does not kill me, makes me stronger.

I'm pretty strong that way now.

==

2006 started in Malacca. My family was vacationing. Looking at photos from back then, I was fat and flabby. Well, that's one thing that had changed dramatically. I'm 15kg thinner, I can run much faster and longer, and I can climb hills on my bicycle so much better, I'm really quite proud of it.

And it was the early part of the year. All that mindless memory work for the exams at school. Leading a solo existence, which was simply turning up at school, staring blankly at the lecturer drone on about his pet bacteria, classes of medications and all the associated facts and figures, how the brain is wired-up, how sick cells look under a microscope. Other than small chat with a few classmates, there was no social interaction at all. Zilch.

It wasn't much of an existence. Turning up at school, going home, revision, surfing the net, doing solo hobbies such as watching DVDs by myself and shooting down some people in video games. Time passed and it felt like nothing changed at all.

You know, when life becomes so pointless with all that loneliness, even the release of Arctic Monkey's debut album can mean every fucking thing to me. Scouting out record shops on and on for the album, going into days of dark gloom just because the release date for the local pressing had been delayed again.

I turned 21 on February, and no one hardly noticed except my close friends. Maybe because I'm just a nameless shadow in school. So many of my classmates turn 21 in 2006, and I can't help being resentful about being forced to chip in for the gifts of people I don't know well, for them enjoying their birthdays so well when these same people didn't even notice or care about my birthday. And I got nary a gift from these people. You know what? It sucks to be a nameless shadow. It's one of those nagging things that comes back every now and then, having to pay for someone else's gift for his birthday, then recalling how crappy my own was.

Tried my hand at blogging again after half a year's haitus, trying to find my voice, looking for an audience. That was in March. And it never really took off until this current incarnation.

I did pretty alright in the exams in March. Well, so as long as I pass, I don't give a damn really.

I bought my notebook computer. Had a new-found passion for everything on the Internet, gadgets, etc, which only made me more of a recluse.

Geee this is depressing. I had better fast forward to May.

==

May 2006. It was the beginning of clinical attachments at school. Somehow it was a situation that allowed me to break out of that reclusive bubble and start getting to know classmates, as we work together in groups and get shuffled around quite often.

Also, the person-to-person interaction needed with the patients (interviewing to do case presentations and write-ups and practice in physical examination) also trained up my people-skills quite a bit. It was tough, sometimes painful, but I guess I came out much stronger.

Slowly evolved from being the one who avoids being the centre of attention, to one who makes full use of the centre of attention to prove my worth, to trying to crack the occasional situational joke to make school less of a damned bore for me.

Somehow, it felt good being different from the rest - being someone who really felt for doing what's right, rather than for what's written in the textbooks, not knowing my lists of facts but understanding the situation better than the rest, doing things my own way. It felt good being the punk who was the first one who broke the dress code by not wearing a tie to the hospital wards - and having many of my classmates follow suit.

But it was painful to be different, cause it involved alot of struggling against the system, and having to explain yourself all the time. Trying to find a place of my own in a class of workaholics was near impossible. It's hard to reconcile with the feeling that everyone's staring at me with dagger eyes because they might feel that my working style is mocking their hard work and determination. I do the minumum, make sense of everything, do away with memory work, but yet get by. Barely. I never really fit in, of course. Always had this doubt lingering in the back of my mind if another field would have had been better for me.

These issues didn't kill me. I came out a much stronger person, comfortable with who I am, confident of bending the rules just enough so that I get what I want. It may not seem like it but really, I totally proud of myself for that. it's like I've become a God, paving everything for myself while everyone else takes the roles of sheep and lemmings.

==

In hospital attachments, the death thing is particularly prevalent. People in various stages of death, from the first chest pains of clogged heart arteries, to people becoming barely conscious, to dead bodies waiting to be carted off to the mortuary. Who can really come to terms with the idea of death? I can't. I don't even dare to think about what comes after. I've sorta made up my mind, I'm going to avoid fields where people die all the time. It's too depressing.

Feeling a total hypocrite in the hospitals being overweight and unfit. Looking at obese and jaded doctors telling overweight patients way less obese than them to lose weight, seeing patients die of p[roblems that probably won't have happened if they had lived healthily, colon cancer patients in their 50s, heart attack patients in their 30s; then deciding: Project Lean and Mean KC starts.

Well, it worked. I'm way fitter and lighter than I ever had been since about forever? And now I feel even more like a God.

==

The months passed. Struggling with school, becoming more and more used to the new school environment along the way, but still feeling pretty burnt-out all the time, hard times, good times, bad times - mostly bad though.

And it's August. Many of my mates flying off overseas for studies. Now I'm much more alone than ever. As for those studying locally, they're busy too, they got their own commitments, own friends. Me. Total recluse. Turned to internet forums for solace. STOMP being one of them. Well, they had outings and all, so I joined in. And in a good way, I made a number of really good friends.

You know the rule I used to believe, that one can't really make close friends once one's past 16 and all. Somehow the people I meet past the age 16, ALWAYS want something outta me in exchange for the friendship. But as I've found out, there are exceptions, so now I'm scratching this rule of mine off my whole list of cynical rules.

Outing after outing, an official Ghost Tour, et cetra. It sorta took away the messed-up edge to my life cause there's always something to look forward to. And I really hope that all the friendships I've made won't fizzle out in 2007. I really do. Especially when school starts and shit hits the fan again, and when the friends have their own lives to lead too and et cetra.

==

Other things I've progressed in in 2006: taste in movies and music. I've broadened my tastes in music, all thanks to http://www.goodweatherforairstrikes.com/ and life pal CH. And CH also intro'd me to some pretty good movies, and they all rock.

==

2006 might have been tough and painful. But heck, I did become stronger by loads mentally and physically eh?