I'm in the school computer lab

because I have 2 hours to waste, of which half an hour was already wasted on mediocre-tasting lunch. Which is real irritating because I'd be growing pointless fat cells for that. And I've been growing lotsa fat cells but those were made from the calories of the tasty food from Hong Kong, which I really don't mind. At least in the short term. So as long as I don't become a fat slob again.

==

I could plonk myself online for hours in the comfort of home, but somehow, on a public terminal, I just can't feel at ease enough to do the inane things I usually do. Blog surfing, MSN, et cetra. It always feels like someone's looking over my shoulder here.

So. Today was even more lectures, and I think my brain's about to explode from all that amount of information I have to cram in. Yay. If I had known better, maybe I'd be in another field? Screw medicine.

Though I'd probably bitch about how pointless it would be if I had studied basic sciences, or how inane everything is in engineering. The grass is always greener on the other side. (Well, the grass IS greener elsewhere like in the USA, but that's because there's less sunlight in those places, and therefore more chlorophyll in the grass.)

I'm dreading it when the posting goes into full swing next week. I'm scared. I'm really scared. The past year was a near-mindrape for me, and if I were to be somehow magically transported back to the previous year and forced to do it again, I can't do it.

==

Mathemugger has noticed that, well, the voices are getting worse. They're telling me to do things (specifically, when they had wanted me to get rid of my hair). And well, last night was particularly bad. Bad enough to wish that I had those benzos to drown them out. Dammit.

I'm dreading the next appointment. 1. Say that I had abused them benzos and therefore being sure that I won't get them anymore? But I'd get proper help if necessary at least, and I wouldn't be lying. Or 2. Lie outright and get the benzos which are oh so damned convenient when I just wanna sleep away a bad day?

Bah screw it. Maybe it's easier not to turn up at all. Screw things. I'll live.

I think.