Friday Fatigue

It really does a thing on one's mood when one has to wake up in the unearthly hours of dawn, then try to reach some faraway hospital by 7.30am.

Kept on missing the the buses and trains and having to wait for the next one. Bad luck or observer bias from my pessimism? You decide.

It's super depressing when people become extra-nasty when rushing for work or school or whatever in the mornings. They push and shove and block the entrances, just so as to get the best seats for themselves. You can see the desperation in their eyes, as though being able to laze in a seat is their birthright. And no matter how prominently they paint the queue lines outside the platform doors, they'd still rush into the train head-on without even allowing the alighting passengers to move out first.

The further you get away from central Singapore the worse this gets. The people from my area are especially courteous and all, so every time I commute out of the comfort zone it's a mini culture-shock for me. Who says regional culture doesn't exist in Singapore?

I didn't get to sit or lean on anything throughout my whole marathon train ride. And I ended up being 10 minutes late. Gee, it sucks. Sucks as in an existential 'Why am I here when it's all so terribly nasty all around?'. I dunno, but my out-of-proportion emotional reaction to everything around me's really freaking me out. It just ain't safe anymore.

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Managed to sorta salvage the rest of my morning by just chatting online for a short while in the students' room, then shadowing the clinic session of one of the surgeons who really teaches and gives good advice without making the student feel like a retarded moron.

Ended late so couldn't join anyone for lunch. Bah oh well, no lunch then. There's this staff teaching thingie in the afternoon. Barely able to muster the effort to go for the scheduled lessons in the first place, so naturally I didn't stay for that optional thingie. Felt terrible for messing up my education like this.

Everyone seems everywhere today, so was by myself much of the time today. Hauled myself back to the train station in the drizzle by myself. Again, missing trains, the cruel rush of people, et cetra.

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Reached home and read the papers and slumped onto the sofa and fell asleep without changing my clothes. Was supposed to be my bicycle ride day, but just couldn't be assed to do anything today.

Bad mood. Bad mood. Ended up snapping at my mom for some trivial thing - why I must be the one who's always changing the remote control batteries, the one who's replugging the loose cables and all? And I always gotta hide my despondent expression in front of her, cause she'll always nag that I'm all to blame for my own crappy mood.

Hid upstairs instead and fired up the stereo. Oasis on the playlist, Outkast, Muse, Feeder, nothing too depressing. Felt much much better after that.

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Oh oops, somehow 2 of my pals both sensed that I was having a crappy day, just through SMS on the mobile phone, must be telepathy or something! Glad to just reply to their messages, cause it's great having solace from being alone the whole time.

But seriously, I don't want to get anyone down, so very often I'd rather just be by myself and not spread my evil vibes to anyone. Want them to be happy instead, not to be concerned with this messed-up me. I'd feel really guilty if anyone actually cares about how I feel. I just don't feel like I deserve it.

On the other hand, it'll really sadden me if any of my friends actually hides their sorrows from me cause they don't wanna make me feel sad or anything. Gee now I'm really confused on what to do.