A new slate

You would have noticed the recent paucity of entries in this blog. Now, it's an open secret that I can turn moody and bitchy at times, and last week was one of those times.

Now that the mess that is my life just got less murky and convoluted and screwed up, I guess I can finally talk about it. In a cool detached way i mean, without letting my exhaustion cloud it.

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Clinical postings, they're the proverbial straws that keep on accumulating on the camel's back, exhausting me mentally until, well, I started reacting badly to them.

I'd like to believe that I skip lessons because I don't find them useful. But look deep enough and you'll see, that it's because, I can't muster up the effort and the drive to go for all of them and participate in them.

I start off feeling overwhelmed. Then I panic. Then I lose the ability to concentrate on school. Then I lag behind my peers. Then I feel despondent about it and think 'why bother at all'?

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And thus my attendance for non-essential lessons falls behind, my enthusiasm falters and I feel horrible. Add that to mounting insecurity. Everyone's WAY better than me. They remember their stuff, they can answer the tutorial questions, they are able to do patient interviews in all sorts of languages proficiently, they are able to nurse an undying drive to spur themselves on. I can't.

And I feel bad about everything. And I feel even worse about myself. I can't even get the simplest of things done, and I feel horrible just thinking about reality.

So I distract myself. And there's the Internet, there's my DS. It's so much easier forcing myself to concentrate on a video game than to face the horrible thoughts in my mind.

That's pretty pathetic, isn't it?

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So now you know.

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One thing's been bugging me. My hypnagogic hallucinations. While these are generally accepted as normal (though uncommon), it's been bugging me. They're getting more frequent, and the voices I hear just before I plonk asleep have graduated from unintelligible speech to a droning voice that reads out totally boring stuff such as biochemistry texts.

This is freaky. No one else I know gets these. Though they're supposedly normal and all.

Gee, don't tell me that I'm going schizophrenic or something?

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And oh, I'm going to Hong Kong with my family during my school break. For 5 days. That's ueberly cool. It was Saturday when I went with my mom to book the tour and stuff.



Went to Far East Square in Tanjong Pagar area for lunch, and there's this ueberly weird meal they sell there, where you get a bowl of brown rice with a chockful of vegetables and beancurd cubes. Then you're supposed to drown it with this bowl of radioactive-green soup which REEKS of basil. I didn't really like it, yikes.



And Macs Milkshake tastes as bad as it did in Malacca last time. Strawberry milkshake that doesn't taste or look like strawberry. And there's this weird corn taste to it. Same goes for the chocolate milkshake I had in Malacca.

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Went shopping for clothing after that, and I got a B-list (you know, the same way radio stations categorise their songs by quality and popularity) tee and bermudas.

And halfway along the way, my freaking cut I sustained while cutting cold butter rebled. Ow. (As of right now, it looks slightly infected.)



Come to think of it, I've been so emotionally numb this week, I was literally unfazed by the blood or pain the moment the knife missed the butter and went into my skin. Continued chopping the butter, THEN looked at my finger. And I just lazily washed it and put pressure on it as though it was something that happened all the time. Took a mother of a long time for it to stop bleeding though. Guess it's pretty deep.

I guess, if I were in a better emotional state, I'd have freaked out at least a bit.

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Sunday, and things are starting to look up. I dunno. Maybe they are. Maybe they aren't. But it surely helps that I know that I'm not TOTALLY alone. Those who know, will know what I mean. Heh.

My mood's still rather unstable though. So beware. I bite.

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My new keychain for my bag! The old one was a skull, but somehow it worked its way loose or something, and it'd be so unglam leaving a skulless pin on my bag, so there.