I really don't know what I have got myself into

Note: the following monologue was typed out in a semi-asleep state and I'd probably regret what I say tomorrow, but I just hafta rush out something to explain myself and to get some things off my chest.



It's been a great 3 months or so. STOMP forums. I really gotta be thankful for all the friendships, advise, emotional support I've got so far. Who would have thunk that an online community would be able to provide so much?

But it's like, it's weird living a separate life online and have it evolve into something so big, outings, emotional support and all. It feels unreal. And it's taking up alot of my time. I've neglected some hobbies after being on the forums for so often and so long.

I was on the forums with 4999 posts already put in, when it occured to me how dull it often got, just posting silly 1-liners, enjoying the virtual company of friends. I want something more than that. I've wasted enough of my life not making enough memorable experiences, experiences that I can feel, experiences that I can remember for a long time. My past 3 or so years were particularly bad in that sense. I just don't have enough good memories.

Post 5000, and I made my announcement to go into semi-retirement from the forums. But that I'd still lurk and post ocassionally, go for outings and stuff. And that I'd never cut off ties with my friends from there. It was sort of an impulsive thing I guess. But it's so true at the same time. I need more out of my life. It's getting pretty numb, just doing the same thing day in and day out.

Today I just picked up my guitar again. And it felt really sweet, tuning the tarnished strings, strumming it like meeting an old friend again. And it really feels like I should've been with the guitar all along rather than living my life online.

But it's just so hard to extricate myself from the virtual community I've entangled myself in so deeply. I hope you allow some arrogance of mine here, so that I can say that some of them do miss me. I miss them to. I really do. The emotional support too. I've literally depended on it for so long.

But sometimes we do have try to get ourselves off the crutches even if we don't know whether we'd fall without them.

==

And the real-life outings. Real as in, live-action, face-to-face, personal. Somehow these outings have lost a big part of their magic and lustre I suppose? It doesn't sound nice for me to say this but things do get complicated. And it gets me down.

I'm rather tired of meeting so many people so soon. And it gets me down.

I'm this antisocial guy, who had lived a live of social recluse for so long it's not even funny. So often I feel like I just can't fit in. And it gets me down. Somehow I'm always the one in the ccorner, at the end of the bench, the one who doesn't really have anything to say or contribute.

At this point of time, I think I'm happier just jamming on the guitar by myself to Graham Coxon like I did this afternoon.

It's weird. Maybe I'm just more comfortable being all alone. But then, being with those STOMP pals used to be superbly fun. Dude I really have to thank them for keeping me sane at the times when I quite needed them. Then the magic fades. Somehow.

Part of me knows that everyone else has their super close pals and all who mean so much to them. But who am I? I'm a mess with nothing to offer. It just feels so selfish to want a friendship in my state.

==

One last outing to go, and I'll decide if it's worth all these while in the end. I just can't feel like I'm part of a group you see? I want to be. I try to be, but somehow I'm this drifter who just can't connect.

I want to be alone but it feels lonely. I don't want to be alone but I just can't work social situations. I want to be alone but I know that NOT being alone had made me feel so much better at timess, times where being alone would have made me unsafe.

I don't want to be alone.

But it's not easy. I'm confused. I really am.