Sleeplessness

Manic Street Preachers - Sleepflower

Morning always seems too stale to justify
Lament blossoms, hours minutes of our lives
Broken thoughts run through your empty mind
At least a beaten dog knows how to lie

I feel like I'm missing pieces of sleep
A memory fades to a, a pale landscape
You were an extinction, a desert heat
A blind illness of my anxiety

Endless hours in bed, no peace, in this mind
No one knows the hell where innocence dies
Fragments crawling like cobwebs on stone
Blows away the safety only a sleeping pill knows

I feel like I'm missing pieces of sleep
A memory fades to a, a pale landscape
You were an extinction, a desert heat
A blind illness of my anxiety

I feel like I'm missing pieces of sleep
A memory fades to a, a pale landscape
You were an extinction, a desert heat
A blind illness of my anxiety

This song is probably one of the best, most accurate depictions of sleeplessness.

Yeah, had another bout of sleeplessness last night. Why don't I use the word insomnia? Trivial but sleepness is a symptom, insomnia is a disorder. It's just like we don't go to the doctors saying 'I have a respiratory tract infection" but rather "I have cough and fever". Anyway it's just trivia.

I'd be trivialising illnesses like cancer and heart disease if I were to say that sleeplessness is one of the greatest tortures one can ever experience, but it definitely feels that way.

Tossing and turning in bed, trying to get some sleep, not knowing if to just give up and read a book or to push on and try to fall asleep. Hugging the bolster tight and covering the ears with the pillow to try to block out all the outside disturbances. Listening to the MP3 player as a distraction, hoping that at least one of these methods will work.

And after getting restless and interrupted sleep, jolting awake without being fully-rested. Being groggy the whole day, unable to function, trying to shake away the mental haze but nothing really works. Everything just seems so chaotic, every car whizzing past tires the mind. Music seems so much duller and muted. Even afternoon naps don't do the trick - that is, if it's possible to fall asleep in the first place.

It's torture. I've been experiencing this on-and-off since early September, so it's about 6 weeks so far? The triggering factors for the initial sleeplessness - some worries - have since passed but somehow this sleeplessness problem still lingers.

This time round, I have been sleeping very well for the past few days, always getting exactly 7.5 hours of sleep before I wake up by my own feeling well-rested. But yesterday, I didn't feel tired until past 12, then I tried to sleep and it took more than an hour of tossing and turning before I could get some interrupted bouts of sleep.

Usually my sleeplessness is characterised not only by 1. taking a hell of a long time to fall asleep 2. a reduced amount of sleep 2. drowsiness in the day but also 4. early morning awakening.

4 is particularly worrying. Let's see what Google has to say:
"early-morning awakening is a hallmark of the mood disorder"
"In some cases, early morning awakening may be a sign of depression"
"The most common reason for this symptom is drinking too much alcohol too late in the evening. The next most common reason for early morning awakening is depression."

That counts as one cardinal symptom.

Now, that's fucking worrying. Because I've been feeling particularly unenthusiastic about stuff lately and would rather just laze and do nothing or do idle stuff online. Man it takes me effort even to just read a book or check the top 40 UK music charts, things I'd do religiously all the time. (2 symptoms).

And I'm tired all the time too, people in my group in school would know with my skipping lessons cause I just felt worn out all so often. (3 symptoms)

And also my concentration is crap, since nowadays I can't even read a textbook for more than half-hour blocks at a time. Not even fiction. And I space out all the time in conversations but I dunno if that counts. (4 symptoms)

Lets review the diagnostic criteria:
Diagnostic Strategy

Depression does not always present as sadness. It can also be characterized by somatic symptoms or at times physical symptoms with no clear-cut organic basis. Similarly, not all sadness is depression. A definitive diagnosis of depression requires satisfying criteria listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV). To make the diagnosis of major depression or dysthymia use SIGECAPS, a mnemonic system which is a concise version of the DSM-IV criteria. Both disorders require active treatment.

Major depression = depressed mood or interest + 4 SIGECAPS for 2 or more weeks

Dysthymia = depressed mood or interest + 3 SIGECAPS most days for 2 or more years

Sleep increase/decrease
Interest in formerly compelling or pleasurable activities diminished
Guilt, low self esteem (Sometimes I feel totally wretched and like I don't deserve any concern does that count?)
Energy poor
Concentration poor
Appetite increase/decrease
Psychomotor agitation or retardation (I tend to pace around madly when bored but I don't think it counts.)
Suicidal ideation (Does going berserk ocassionally and tempting fate on the bicycle count?)

Yay I guess I qualify? Now this is seriously creepy. I mean, the diagnostic criteria all point to it, but heck, I don't want to be labelled you see. It's likely that I'm just paranoid, you know, the med student hypochondria thingie.

But this sleeplessness thing, I dunno about what I really want to do but whatever it is, I just don't want it anymore!

==

In other news today, dragged out to Orchard by a friend at the last minute just to talk and stuff. And halfway through I got a SMS from Ferret which made me realise that I was spotted by her right there and then! Yikes! I just hope I didn't look too freaky or something.