:(

Hi, I am officially freaked out.

Walk into any ward in hospital and you see people in various stages of illness. Some, you know they won't make it for long.

And many of them, boy you'd be surprised, they're young. There's this guy with heart failure who's younger than me. There's another guy I talked to, who had a heart attack at age 30+. And there's this very friendly and cheerful lady who has terminal cancer. She's barely in her 50s. Younger than my parents I think.

It's unfair.

Young people shouldn't die of old peoples' diseases.

Maybe it's just chance. The old adage: Shit happens. But but, how do I reconcile with that? I mean, if everything is random why bother about anything at all? This would really throw all our preconceived notions of good and bad out of the window. All these good people, dying so early, many of them probably deserve life more than I do, if we look at it by the fair, just, good-and-bad way.

The lady with terminal cancer, she's so friendly, not hesitating to tell her story of how she ended up in hospital. She didn't mind the student nurses learning how to affix a stoma bad to her colostomy.

It's bloody depressing when they're so happy and cheerful and all despite looming death. It's so unreal. The happier they are, the more guilty I am for not being happy about my non-terminal-cancer life. It's not fair they should go just like that. It's not fair.

Some day it'll be my turn. Maybe lady luck would give me a long life, maybe lady luck would rob me of my existence when I turn 25, who knows. But the scary thing is, it's way out of my control.

Even if I take the best care of my health, nothing can stop the truck from skidding into me and wiping me out.

I dunno. I'm still pretty freaked out.

I can't even talk about it in real life. It's such a taboo thing, everyone always tries to change the topic and pretends that such an issue doesn't exist. I don't blame them. If that's their way of coping.

And I don't know how the patients in hospital survive, with such foul-smelling food being fed to them.

:(